REMEMBER WHEN……

I’m not really sure why but I’m feeling a wee bit nostalgic today. Today is like any other day and yet it’s got me thinkin’. And that can’t be good. I have a relative in the hospital in my home town. The same hospital where I was born. The same hospital where My Harley Stud had emergency surgery while we were there for my Mother’s and his Grandmother’s funeral services. It was and still is the only hospital in the area. I guess it was thinking about the hospital that got me thinking about how much things have changed since I was a girl two hundred just a few years ago.

Remember when……….

• Our local newspaper listed the hospital admissions and discharges everyday. This blows my mind when I think about our current privacy laws and the hoops a poor family member has to jump through these days to get information about his ailing loved one. “I’m sorry, Mr. Smith but if you’ll just step into the interrogation booth over here where Special Agent Rapp of the CIA we will break you need you to answer a few thousand questions. I have no idea how people in my hometown get their gossip know who to pray for these days.
• Some families had telephone party lines. We never had one but I thought it was such great fun to visit a friend and discover a juicy conversation just by quietly listening on the line. Don’t be judgin’, people. I was eight. What? You would have excused yourself and hung up? Where’s the fun in that? By the way, did you hear that Mrs. Robbins………
• While we are on the subject of telephones……….The phone company in my hometown was privately owned by a local family. Our phone book was no larger than a Better Homes and Gardens magazine. The phone company was listed in the white pages under its company name and under “telephone company”, “phone company” and just in case……”fone company". Really. And if we were placing a call within the same town, we only had to dial 5 numbers. Those were the days.
• Did you ever fill your gas tank or ring up a week’s worth of groceries only to find that you had written your last check at the drug store? No worries. In my hometown, the proprietor was OK with it as long as you made it back with the check by the time they made their deposit the next morning. I’m pretty sure that they shoot you leave your cart in the cooler in the back until you return with the funds these days. Oh and does anyone still write a check for groceries any more?
• Every teacher and principal had a wooden paddle and knew how to use it. I’ll probably get a lot of flack for saying this but I think the world was a kinder, gentler place when the threat of a good beating was hanging over our heads. I know that it kept me in line. My father? Not so much. He had it down to a science. He developed a system where by watching the shadow of the paddle coming his way he could give with it and reduce the pain factor in half. Maybe if he would have used that scientific mind for his physics class instead of shenanigans, he might not have been in the boiler room to start with.

Well, that was fun. We should do this again sometime. What do you remember about your childhood that is oh so different now?

Hugs,

Smart Mouth Broad

OOOooo, BABY, HE KNOWS WHAT I LIKE

Today is the 29th anniversary of the day I married the love of my life, apple of my eye and sometimes pain in my arse, My Harley Stud. It totally blows my mind that we have been married that long especially since I’m only thirty-two years old. Stop trying to do the math and just leave it at yes, I was a child bride. If you’re a long time reader, you may have read our true love story here in my archives and you know that we have been together even longer than that. People often ask me, “How can you stay married to the same man for all those years?”

The answer is simple. First of all, he is no longer the same man that I married. I have molded and shaped him into a completely different creature. He and I have both grown and matured into different people who just happen to still be nuts about each other.

To celebrate the occasion, MHS took me to breakfast and then to the beach. Not wanting to be saddled with my camera for our beach walk on this day, I left it in the car. Damn! Of course today was the day I saw so many picture takishly things. I’ll try to paint you a picture.

The sky was the most amazing blue with lots of puffy white clouds low on the horizon which looked like their tops were sliced off. I could have called my friend the meteorologist to ask what they are called or googled but it’s my anniversary and I’m lazy. Not to be outdone by the sky, the water was a beautiful aqua color. The tide was going out and the waves were high which made the roar of the surf even louder than usual. There were surfers and boogie boarders. Some of the surfers had an oar. I don’t know what this activity is called but I think I saw Matt Lauer do it on the today show once. It was fun to watch.

Because we live in an area of South Florida that is primarily residential and not a tourist spot, most of the beaches allow dogs. There were lots of dogs today. Each one with a tennis ball or they made their fun chasing birds. MHS and I made friends with a few canines, once again making me wish we had brought Mayzie. She loves the beach but isn’t allowed in the bagel store.

We live on the East coast. At 9am-ish, the sun was shining over the water and it was beautiful. There was a flock of seven pelicans that flew in a straight line overhead. The smell of MHS’s aftershave kept teasing my nostrils. Then my sniffer upper became a little more discerning and I realized that what I was smelling was his deodorant. Still, he smelled good. The sights, the smells, the sounds. They made my day.

No trip to the beach is complete without sighting a man in a speedo and this adventure was no exception. Why? And not even an attractive body. Just sayin.

The beach is lined with seagrapes that obscure the view from the road to the beach and vicey versey. That didn’t stop MHS from hearing a pack of Harley Davidsons ride by. The beach isn’t really MHS’s thing and I’m sure the thought crossed his mind that he’d rather be riding. Nevertheless, he knows what I like and brought me to the beach. My sanctuary.

Despite the Speedo Man sighting, it was an awesome morning and a great way to start our anniversary.

What would your perfect day be?

Hugs,

Smart Mouth Broad

FOCUS

The title of this post is really more a reminder for me than an indication of what you might find here. I’m having a hard time staying on task today. I had planned some sort of fun fashion post. It was my lame attempt to have a weekly feature. You know something like fashion seen thru the eyes of the unfashionable. How sad is it that I can’t even stick with the plan on week #2. *sigh*

I tried. I really did. But every time I sat down to put my scattered thoughts into words on paper screen, I would lose my focus. Allow me to demonstrate my thought processes:

I sit down on the sofa, laptop in lap, fingers at the ready. Then I decide that I might as well put on the Food Network and see if I can get any meal ideas for the coming week. Now, back to the brilliant post that I’m about to create……….but wait! What was that Rachael Ray just did with salami, prosciutto and a breadstick? Hmm, that looks tasty and fun. Let me back that up on the dvr so I can see what that cheesy stuff was in the middle. Now where was I?

With my attention on the topic at hand, I’ve completely missed the cheesy portion again and have to back up the dvr once more. This reminds me that there are programs that I need to be sure to record. I go to the menu on the dvr and select my new favorites that I will never find the time to watch. Now where was I? Oh yes, the fun fashion post. And just as I’m about to write my first word, MHS comes in and asks me to put another book on his ipod. I am nothing if not a people pleaser and I do this at once. Once my itunes is open, I start taking inventory of all the books that are there that I haven’t listened to yet. Then I think this might be a good time to put the six books that I just got from the library in my itunes. Surely I can accomplish that and write the post too.

While perusing the itunes, I see that it might be easier if I get my reading glasses. The problem is that I am already wearing my glasses for watching tv, driving, anything I want to see more than 10 feet away. What’s a girl to do? My solution?

Let’s be kind and try not to notice that this photograph was taken without the benefit of makeup or even a hairbrush for that matter.

Now where was I?

Hugs,

Smart Mouth Broad

SIMPLY THE BEST

To all my bloggy buddies out there who showed me the love after my “personal crisis” yesterday *wink*, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It boggles the mind how much you can be lifted up by friends you’ve never even met even if it came as a result of my shameless begging for compliments.

You made me smile, laugh and gasp (Thanks, Michel, who called me a slutty ho……but in a nice way) with your loving comments.

Thanks to you, I’m feeling much better today and can now resume my life confident in the fact that I do not look older than my age………because you so lovingly lied to me told me so.

To show my appreciation, I have asked the Queen of perpetual youth, the illustrious Ms. Tina Turner to sing a very special song in your honor.

Ladies and Gentleman, let’s hear it for ……………………….TINA TURNER!

Thank you again. You are...........SIMPLY THE BEST!

Hugs,

Smart Mouth Broad

WANTED: FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH…..STAT!

I really had no intention of blogging today. I’m cutting back, you know. However, I had the most awful thing happen to me today. And I ran crying in the streets, whined to every single person I encountered and still have not been able to exercise this demon from my brain. So who ya gonna call? No, not Ghostbusters. I’m turning to you, my beloved bloggy buddies. I know that I can count on you to show me the love. I know you darlings can be relied upon to tell me lies the truth. Ahhhh, I feel better already.

So here is what happened:

On a lunch break last week, I came across a pair of shoes that were so comfy and exactly what I needed. I was wearing heels at the time and they were NOT shopper friendly. My tootsies were crying. I slipped on the little angels and ahhhhhhhhh, instant relief. However, showing incredible restraint, I left without making the purchase. But the shoes…..they called to me…..they haunted me……I had to go back.

Today I went back to get the comfy shoes. I figured that I deserve them, right? That’s what I said to myself. “Self, you deserve those comfy shoes that you walked away from last week. Now just hurry yourself back to the store before some other woman goes home with your shoes.” And so I did.

When the clerk rang up the sale, I was surprised to see that the sale with tax was less than the price of the shoes. Never one to make a fuss, I quietly left the store without mentioning the obvious error. Imagine my horror, when upon inspecting the receipt I found that I had been given the “55 and over discount.” That bitch! Damn her! I stood there like my feet were glued to the pavement. I was dumbfounded. I was speechless. I didn’t know whether to go back and demand to pay full price or slink to the car in a state of total depression and just be grateful for the price break.

Eventually I staggered to the car. I sat there in a daze. I got out my phone and took a self-portrait with the camera on my crackberry. OMG! I did look over 55. I bet you want to see that picture, right? Yeah, I figured. Scroll down:

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Not that being over 55 is a bad thing, mind you………unless you are only 27 aren’t even 50 yet.

My commute home takes about an hour. I had lots of time to stew in my own juices. I called MHS. He reassured me that I don’t look anywhere near 50, let alone 55. Here is a man who knows on which side his bread is buttered. Next I whined to Daddy (in whose eyes I will forever be six years old). Daddy said that the woman was just being nice and gave everyone the discount.

I was not to be consoled. I stopped at the grocery on my way home. I ran into my next door neighbor and told my tale. She told me that I look great and the woman was clearly an idiot or visually challenged. It was about that time that Daughter #1 joined me to shop for dinner. I told her what had happened and she laughed her fool head off. She actually guffawed. So much for moral support……

After she composed herself (jerk) we moved on to the seafood department. Being completely consumed with my own midlife crisis, I turned to the man behind the counter and asked what he might suggest for dinner. He asked D1 and I if we liked pork. Huh? D1 said, “Aren’t you the fish guy? Way to support your department.” He laughed and said he was NOT the fish guy but was just covering the seafood counter. I argued that he has sold me lots of fish in the past and that must make him “almost the fish guy.” Now that we were friends and all, I said, “Hey, Mr. NOT the fish guy. How old do you think I am?” He said that I was probably 35. I rewarded him with a smile instead of a psycho reach across the counter punch in the nose and bought the salmon. I love intelligent men.

So my lovelies, show me the love. Lie to me if you must.

The night of the Brad Paisley concert

How old do I look? Twenty-seven, right? Never mind that I’m standing next to my 24 year old daughter. This is my most recent photo…….other than the one above that I took today. Regardless of what you really think, just tell me that I don’t look 55 and older so I can move on with my life.

Hugs,

Smart Mouth Broad